I really WANT to be that girl who is so confident in herself that she doesn’t need to feel wanted by anyone else. I think I AM dependent on feeling loved and needed by others (gives me some sense of contentment and purpose?) so being used by boy is fulfilling that right now. And it feels better than being alone.
Just hard to be numb to everything and act like I don’t care when I really do. I am not tough. I am so sensitive and I take everything personally, even when I shouldn’t. Casual “no strings attached” really is not for me. The only way I know how to numb myself isn’t exactly the healthiest option.
But it feels good. So for now, we keep pretending. I’m just worried. It took me a very, very long time to realize my value outside of my physical body and this “exclusive whatever” puts all the focus back on it. I don’t like that today I’ve told myself that my feelings don’t matter. Because they do! How long did it take me to learn that?
This is all just so…bad. I feel like I could undo all of my progress in a second when this comes crashing down and that’s scary. And at least part of me is excited by the dangerousness of that and that’s probably the scariest part of all.